Where · you · lead...

Gavin DeGraw November 1st State Theatre

WHO IS GOING?

After seeing what I've done with the apartment, Lindsay and some of her friends were saying that we should have a Halloween party.

SO...if we do, who wants to come? :) Halloween is on a Monday, so I don't know if we'd actually have it that day or if we'd have it on Saturday or something instead (because that would just make more sense for convenience).

But let me know because if we have a party, it'd be cool for me friends to be here :)

That guy from Garden State is right.

Favors are bad news ESPECIALLY when they concern money. Anybody who does a favor for somebody else ALWAYS expects something in return--ALWAYS. Who cares how grateful the person is that you helped them out, you're not able to see that short of them getting down on their knees EVERY DAY (so that you don't forget at some point and then hate them for being ungrateful and then not returning the favor) and kissing your stinky fucking feet with tears in their eyes saying, "You have no idea how much that means to me," and even then you wouldn't believe them.

And do me a fucking favor. Whatever you fucking decide to do or not do for your kids, remember that it IS affecting them. It is partially YOUR FAULT. How does the world get spoiled brats? Oh yeah, FROM THEIR PARENTS. You want to have a kid, shower it with gifts of every sort, buy the kid a fucking brand new Mustang before they even have their learner's permit, pay for their schooling, pay for their expensive apartment, give them your fucking NFC Visa to pay for their gas, fund their trip to Spain, buy them brand new furniture for their bedroom for absolutely no good reason except that "it should look more sophisticated," and then you want to turn around and BITCH THEM OUT for thinking that money grows on trees, for being ungrateful, for not having paid you back the 700 dollars they owe you and probably not actually considering ever paying you back. You want to sit there and act like, if your kid actually does feel and act that way, it's not your fault? You want to spoil the shit out of your kid because you grew up on welfare with your trucker dad and seamstress mother and then you want to pretend the kid is BIOLOGICALLY ungrateful and bratty and it has nothing to do with how you raised them? Fuck that. People give you things and you want to pretend that there are no strings attached, but there are ALWAYS strings attached. If you don't show your extreme gratitude in just the right way, they won't see it at all. If you can't pay them back yet because you have newfound bills to pay, they won't see it like that--they'll see it as your evil intention to NEVER pay them back just because it's been months and they haven't seen a dime.

This is how it goes...

"Okay so I owe you 700 dollars...I don't really have that much money and most of my money goes to bills, so would it be okay if I just paid you a certain amount a month like with a bill?"
"Yes that's fine. Don't worry about the money. I don't want you to have no money at all just because you have to pay me back. Your bills are more important and you get those paid and if you can afford to give me money, okay. But don't worry about it. You just pay me back when you can."
***Kelly sells three large bags-full of clothing (her best items) in order to afford paying her bills and buying groceries and gas***
"Honey, you shouldn't have to do that. If you're having money problems, just come to me. I'll help you out. You shouldn't have to be selling your stuff. Just come to me."

*A couple months down the line, Kelly loses her trip application before getting the chance to turn it in by the deadline to receive $150 back (which goes to her mother who is paying for the trip)*

"You didn't turn the papers in? GOD KELLY. You're so selfish. All you fucking think about is yourself. All you had to do was have it faxed but you couldn't do that. You think money grows on trees. This isn't the first time you've done this to me. You're always doing this. I lost money because of you for two classes that you dropped and you STILL haven't paid me back because I'm sure you don't intend to."
"I haven't paid you back because I have bills to pay that I didn't have to pay before--I can't AFFORD to pay you back yet! But you just want to sit there and think that I'm this ungrateful little bitch who just takes your money and doesn't think about it. You think that I don't care that you give me all this crap, you think that I just sit on my holly jolly ass staring into the clouds with a smile on my face because I get all this money from you and I don't intend on ever paying you back!? You just want to pretend that I'm some little bitch. You still get $75 back, but I'll pay you the rest of the $150 so you get your fucking $150 back."
"I have to go"
"Good" *hangs up phone*

My mother can kiss my ass. She can have her NFC Visa back, she can stop buying me groceries, she can have my new dvd player back to return for the money, she can have back the fucking clothes and jewelry she just bought me in New York, she can forget buying new furniture for my bedroom back home, she can have it all back--fucking all of it. I have been a fool to EVER accept ANYTHING from her because I will never be anything but an ungrateful, greedy, selfish brat who's just milking her for all she's got.

I'm done accepting favors.

My mom can bite me.

She's such a stupid bitch sometimes. I cannot fucking stand it. My dvd player is fucked up and I didn't do shit to it. Everything I own turns to shit and it's not because I abuse the stuff! I mean, what the hell could I have possibly done to the dvd player? I turn it on, I put dvds in it, I hit play, I hit stop, I take the dvd out, I turn it off, the end. It's not like I fucking dance on top of it or throw it against the wall or something. She acts like I just abuse everything I own and that's why it all gets broken. The last dvd player she gave me wouldn't play the sound in any of my dvds, this new one worked FINE and then all of a sudden I put a dvd in and the picture was black and white and rolling upward. I didn't do ANYTHING to it. So she comes over to pick up the ladder I borrowed and I let her know that there's something wrong with the dvd player and she gives me this look that says, "What the hell did you do now?" Everything is always my fault and she can just fucking bite me. She should stick her head a little farther up my ass.

I have a phone for years and one day it starts to squeal loudly when I leave my room with it, and that means that I abused the phone in some way because her much older telephone has never done anything like that. My computer essentially crashes and it's because I've done something terribly wrong--I hadn't downloaded ANYTHING whatsoever, so what else could I have done? Set a bomb off inside of it? "It's the websites you're going to. You're going to websites and they're downloading things on your computer and now you have a virus." YEAH--cuz that totally makes sense. That's why my computer crashed and none of my friends' did even though they go to the same exact sites that I do.

If ANYTHING stops working, if ANYTHING has some sort of problem, it's because I've abused it. Well fuck her.

Can I just say that I am so glad The Truman Show doesn't really exist...for me.

If anybody were to watch me when I'm alone...I'd be so embarrassed.

All the faces I make in the mirror, how I talk to myself, the noises I make...

It'd be terrible.

Now I really am going to study :)

You know what I love?

I love special moments. Certain things (songs, places, movies) that are special to only one person.

Like Short of 1st. I'm listening to Start When You're Ready and the second it started playing, I immediately thought of Kris Kelly playing guitar for me and how he'd sing almost under his breath, but just loud enough for me to hear him. I absolutely adored him :)

And then there's Scarface. I had been talking about The Ataris, Something Corporate, and Short of 1st with Kristen, which made me think of Kris (and made me want to play the music)...and then Alec mentioned Scarface, which immediately made me think of the first (and only) time I saw it--when Nikola came over with it because he felt I HAD to see it...But what I mostly remember is holding his hand and the way he was playing with my fingers and he kept looking over at me--doing that thing where he looks into my eyes and grins and I get all nervous and don't know what to do because I never knew what meant what (he flirted with everyone)...Holding my hand could have been totally casual for him, but I just remember getting butterflies.

How about Sheryl Crow's "All I Wanna Do." It's that night at Pizza Hut when we danced around after close with the Vuljaj's :) I loved that night so much.

Blockbuster and Troy Union are Matt, as are a million other things...Our Lady Peace is Chris Jenkins...Jason Mraz is the night I stayed at MSU...Welcome to the Dollhouse and the Meatballs movies are chilling in a mattress fort with Megan...Little Debbie oatmeal cookies are Agnes...

I just love those special moments that you've shared with someone and you're forever reminded of them and it--whether or not the memory is mutual.

...I hope he'll be okay...

I'm so in love and it's okay.

Who wants to donate to the Chris Milliron fund?

He has to pay for most of his gear for Iraq...Night vision goggles are $1590 at the extreme low cost...700 for a fucking light for his rifle.

My parents are going to send him some money as soon as I get him to give me his mailing address...I need an excuse--too bad it'll be lame like, "I want to send you a Christmas card." Oh well...as long as he gives me his address ;)

And he better cash the fucking check.

And then, in August, he better get the fuck online to show me he's alive ;)

My one degree of Kevin Bacon is MY DAD.

MOTHER FUCKING HELL GOD DAMNED MOTHER FUCKERS ARE NEVER FUCKING GOING TO NEW YORK WITHOUT ME EVER FUCKING AGAIN.

They fucking catch two celebrities off the street AND see Tim Curry & David Hyde Pierce on stage.

FUCKING KEVIN BACON. My dad saw Kevin Bacon and he's staring at him and Kevin LOOKS AT HIM and shoots him A LOOK that says, "Don't you even dare." Cuz he was totally incognito. MOTHER FUCKING HELL.

I'd have been all stalkerazzi on that guy. GOD DAMNIT I'M SO JEALOUS.

So jealous.

All the fucking tims I have and will go to NY and I'll never see a celebrity.

MOTHER FUCKER.

Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh Kevin Bacon.

I was talking to James...and we were talking about me being annoyed by people...cuz everybody always annoys me...

and I realize that I'm probably REALLY annoying a lot of times...I just know that I am. But it's okay :)

We can all be lovably annoying ;) heheheheh

Mom bought me some awesome clothes and accessories in New York :) YAY! I love Mom.

And here:

Oct 18 The Motorcycle Diaries (Swank)
Oct 25 Red (Kiedlowski) french (Swank)
Oct 31 The Fearless Vampire Killer (Polanski) (Swank)
Nov 8 The Battle of Algiers (French)
Nov 21 Beyond Silence (German)
Nov 28 The Barbarian Invasions (Arcand)

I must see lots of these (foreign films in Meadowbrook).

AND...Related is cool.

AND...Of course fucking Dan is alive--OF COURSE. The show is fucked up and I'm mad that Lucas isn't suddently dating Peyton after this summer, pluh.

Good day...tiring day...I hope I get through work quickly tomorrow :)

Dinner and a movie Friday with me ladies! WOO! Excitedness :) Perhaps I can wear my new clothes! If it's COOLER outside. Because it's FALL. and not SUMMER.

Related is back :) Yay for new shows! I LOVE PUGS. Ciao!

I skipped class so I could go to work because otherwise I couldn't go to work today because of the meeting about Spain. I've decided not to go to work, though, because I have far too much to do school-wise. I don't like screwing over Kristin, not because I feel for her or something, but simply because I don't like to be that person. But the fact is, I have more important things to tend to, so she'll just have to deal with it.

Time for studying and homework.

FUCK.

I am always jealous.

And so not of the person you assume.

So not.

God damnit. God daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
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Edit: 12:21 am

I'm really pissed off about the weather.

Watch, in a few years it'll be 80 in December and 50 in July. Just you wait.

Really pisses me off...I just want to wear my fall clothes! I'm tired of skimpy little tops and flip flops. And my makeup melting away ;)

Stress stress stress. I can't wait until this weekend. Lately, I can't wait for any weekend. I can only thank god that the days go by quickly. I just wish the weekends would go by more slowly--too much to do. I don't think I've ever felt this stressed in school yet. And the thing is, my classes aren't exactly mind-boggling. There's just so much and so little time. I guess it's the whole future bit.

Phooey. That's when four episodes of Gilmore Girls by noon and four of The OC before midnight feels really good :) It's always exciting when you've wasted much less time than you thought you were...and when you felt totally at ease and having escaped for what seemed like a very long amount of time but what was really only a few hours.

My back hurts, I'm not tired but I can probably fall asleep soon, and I need to not be monumentally tired tomorrow in class, so I'm about to head off to bed. I pray that I don't work tomorrow because there's a lot of school work I want to get done and work definitely gets in the way of that by taking up my entire school week and only leaving me between 9 and midnight to do anything, which is the prime time that I don't want to be doing a damn thing.

Today was quite an energetic day, and I like to pretend that it was my multi-vitamin. Viactiv est pretty yummy for a vitamin (merci to my Romdner)...Hopefully it actually does help a little, though. We'll seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

My parents leave for New York in five hours. I'm very sad that I won't be going. And it makes me feel almost homesick because it's a solid sense of no contact. I've gone days without talking to my mom before and I've always been fine. But it's just the idea that I can't simply email or call her at work tomorrow through Wednesday that gets me, I guess. And that I can't show up to the house to hang out. There's another reason I hope I don't work tomorrow. I need to find time to visit my grandmother. She'll be coming to the house to stay with Ryan and it would be horrible if I didn't take the opportunity to visit her. But if I'm working, I'll never have time! And I usually work Monday through Wednesday. If she stayed up as late as my mother or father, it would be less of a problem. But envision Granmda Pizzo going to bed around 7:30 or 8. Possibly even earlier, though I doubt she goes to bed before it starts to get dark.

Now that I don't want to work tomorrow, though, I will be for sure. For the past two weeks I haven't worked on a Monday and I wanted to last week because I need the money. Didn't happen, though. So tomorrow, I'll probably be at work :-P Crap crap crap.

Goodnight.

Ps. I'm back on track. Though I have pangs of wanting somebody to date, somebody to maybe even love, or at least have lust with...I just really don't care. So I'm back on track with the usual Kelly bit where the answer is almost always, "I don't want a boyfriend right now," or "I'm not looking to date anybody." It's almost comforting.

This is my anthem, which I realized a few days or so ago,

"Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these emerald eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these emerald eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these emerald eyes

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these emerald eyes."

Yes, YES I changed "hazel" to "emerald." It wouldn't be MY anthem had I sang "hazel" now would it? No. Anyway, that is my anthem, especially, "I don't cry on the outside anymore."

It's something that makes me proud and very content :)

Now, I'll be even happier when I never write another entry on this subject again.

I got two more discs of the OC. I absolutely LOVE it! I don't know how I ever lived without it. It was crazy to watch the first few episodes when nobody knows Ryan. It was so crazy. Now I'm done babbling about tv. Except that I must say I now own Season 4 of Gilmore Girls :) WOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh ps, my apartment looks Halloween-uber cool. Tres tres excellente ;) Next, I must create my costume, which may or may not now be a punk fairy. We'll see what my mood chooses on that special night :)

What is up with all of my fucking shows going on hiatus for October?

On EVERY preview, they talk about what's coming in NOVEMBER.

So why the fuck are they gone for a month? ALL OF THEM.

Maybe just on Fox...okay, what the fuck is on Fox in October?

Excited:

My mom and I are designing a new bedroom at home for me at Christmastime! We're going to clean my bedroom (I've got a ton of stuff on the floor that used to be under my bed), paint the walls a gorgeous warm, orangey-yellow (not TOO bright so that it's like an adolescent's room...think Tuscan villa), get new carpet installed (something neutral), and then set up all my new furniture :)

"Why?" you ask. We think it's time that I have a more sophisticated bedroom. Sure, my room's awesome and all (no modesty there, I adore the set up and the furniture), but it's a bit more teen than adult/young adult. Some of the pieces in my room could be set up in a different manner and look more adult, but a lot of the decorations are more adolescent (think about the pink boxes on my vanity that display my makeup). So basically, it's about time I have the Kate-Hudson room I've always wanted (when I think of a sophisticated room, I think of her room in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days--except the main thing I remember is the yellow paint and the giant bed).

What's awesome is that this was totally my mom's idea. She wants me to clean the room by Christmas break so that she and my dad can get new carpet in there (mine is the grossest shade of dirty-old-white and it is RIDDLED with stains, including piss...no, not my own--Jessica's. KIDDING ;) Chester's). Well, I asked if she wanted to paint the room at that time as well because it only made sense to paint it before the new carpet is in, that way, she didn't have to bother at all trying to cover the carpet. It would be a lot easier. See, my mom hates the colors in my room (and I've tired of them as well because it's so Little Mermaid and, looking back, I feel like a 12 year old (mainly because of the pink and purple on the trim)) and always said she was going to have to paint over it whenever I officially moved out--especially because she wants it to look really nice for whenever she sells it yeeeeeeeeears down the line (to me, which she isn't aware of, because I'm not letting anybody buy that house and have that backyard). So I figured she may as well have it painted now and that would work in both our favors because she wants it done and I now want to have a room with a more subtle color than turquoise, pink, and purple ;)

SO, I made the suggestion and she thought it was a great idea, as long as I wanted my room painted a different color. I wasn't expecting anything more. All of a sudden, though, she starts going on about how I should try to make my room look more sophisticated and we could put the chaise lounge in there instead of the poppison chair and we could get a new tv stand. So I go onto target.com to look and find this GORGEOUS tv stand. So then, I clicked on the whole collection (Pablo: http://www.target.com/gp/browse.html/602-6482797-4302234?%5Fencoding=UTF8&node=10699261) and just went WILD. My mom took a look and she loved everything as well and started making suggestions, "you could use those as nightstands on either side of your bed, you could put drawer units next to that vanity to store your makeup in, you could get that computer desk, [etc etc]." Basically, we went from installing new carpet to an entire redesign.

Now, though, I'm getting a new full-size bed instead of putting the chaise lounge in there ;) I'm SO EXCITED. In high school, I used to talk sometimes about getting a bigger bed, but my mom said it wouldn't fit in my room (and she was right) and she thought the twin was perfectly fine for me. The twin IS perfectly fine--I fit well, it's comfortable, it's cute, whatever. But it's still a bit childish considering twins are made for CHILDREN. There's a reason a lot of people's feet hang off the end (including my own). So I made the suggestion that I get a full and she agreed! That's what's going to cinch the sophistication factor--having an adult's bed ;) lol.

So up there is the layout with everything in proportion--except I don't know how big my room actually is, so the dimensions of the room itself could be a couple feet off. Oh well!

Tonight my mom and I are going to measure the room and plot out whether or not this furniture can fit where I want it. After making that design, though, I'm pretty sure it will. If worse comes to worse, the only thing I should have to move is the drawer unit and that could fit just about anywhere.

Tres excitement!!

OH, and I'm hoping that we get the furniture sometime soon after we paint and recarpet. I figure, if I ever spend the night there between Christmas and the move-out on the 28th, I'll have my bedroom instead of the guest room. Very nice :)

And yes, I am moving out of the apartment on the 28th of May. It's definitely official. I'm guilt-ridden for all the money my mother is paying (don't even bring up the fact that now I'm allowing her to buy new furniture for when I move back--I already have plans to "repay" her in a non-literal sense) and I can't possibly afford to continue paying these utilities (and ever think about paying my mother back the $700 I owe her at the same time...so far, I haven't been able to afford to pay her back a dime). Sure, I'm living fine. I do have food and I'm not 100% broke--I haven't overdrawn in quite a while. And I do really like living "on my own" because it puts a lot of things into perspective and gives me a newfound sense of independence (and I can make my own rules), but I would like to be able to go out with my friends more often, to afford gas to visit friends at other universities, to buy clothes! I want to be able to save up my money to buy a supremely awesome digital slr, etc etc...

This will have been a really good experience, but in several months it will be time to temporarily fly back to the nest for a couple years until I can fully afford to live on my own (either with a friend, or in the sweetest studio you'd ever see).

Now, however, it's time to get back to studying math! I'm pretty confident about my test tomorrow because I'm a bit of a math whiz (those who really know me don't need my logical reason for being in a technically remedial class that I already passed with flying colors in high school as opposed to something like pre-calc explanation LOL), but I'm also worried because my professor's a bit of a uh...not-so-great teacher, so I'm worried that his test will be stupid (like with those dumb explanation and yes/no questions in the book that I NEVER answer because even though I can do the problems, I don't necessarily know WHY I have to do them that way--I HATE that shit). Let's hope I do well! ;)

Chicken pot pie tonight at the Madden house! I hope I either don't have to work or that I can be there early enough to leave by 4:30/5 so I can eat with my family as opposed to picking up the leftovers to take home to the apt.

Talk to ya laters, loves!

PS, Kristen, think about what you want to do here if you visit this weekend--like, if we get movies, what the hell do you want to get?

PSS, Jessica, you should come chill with us! We're having a "girls night" this weekend as long as Kristen has time--something along the lines of dinner/carryout, coffee, movies, and lots of junk food (I think girls nights are nights to forget what the word "healthy" means, tee hee).

PSSS, I'm assuming Kristen doesn't care if Jess is here considering we're all friends.

PSSSS, I love multiple PS's...I crack myself up :)

STUDY TIME!

If you don't want to know who dies in book five of Harry Potter, DON'T READ THIS ENTRY.

PS. I'm sorry, for James, that I didn't do this sooner :(

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AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. My eyes are swollen. I'm never crying again.

I took a huge chunk out of my finger with my own nail at work yesterday. Didn't realize what a chunk it was till this morning considering it hurts like a bitch and I can now see how much skin was scratched away. Oy!

I have never cried more over a book.

If anybody had to die, I didn't want it to be him.

That's just about the saddest thing I ever read.

Beef tastes better in chocolate than ketchup.

And peanutbutter sandwiches taste better with lettuce and ranch dressing than jam or jelly. That's what I should have made, damnit.